Damn I’m 26 and not much seems to have changed. Still living the same anxiety, fear, shame, insecurities - but I’m working on it. No matter how mentally simulating my job is, it feels like I’m living the same day on repeat. Blink, and 4 years of my career flew by!
Started this birthday at 5am, with a 26km run whilst hitting a new half PR at a 5:18/km pace. That evening, a friend pulled me out of my isolation, and I ended the day on 45172 steps. Enough steps, conversation, beer, and food to make me ponder life a little. The creeping melancholy alongside the feeling of lethargy makes me think perhaps pushing hard on my 26km wasn’t the wisest if I wished for a happy birthday.
But again - What did I expect? Shouldn’t I be delighted that I’ve made it another year around the sun, a privilege one shouldn’t take for granted. More so that I’ve been dealt a pretty good set of cards in life. A friend from high-school reached out to me on my birthday for money he needed urgently. When I asked what happened, he told me his savings ran dry to pay off his father’s surgery last year. Life isn’t fair. And here I am, discontent with having enough resource, energy and liberty to lead life however I want.
Am I caught in the capitalism rat race? We’re prompted to think as though our discontent is a result of not having enough; what’s the next thing I don’t have that would make me feel better. Perhaps a wife and few kids, or what’s something beyond myself that I should spend my resource and energy on?
And so fully realizing that I won’t get infinite laps around the sun, I began asking myself the hard question: Why? After all, I think one of man’s greatest virtue is the search for meaning. As you grow into a more senior role - whether work or life - you learn to see the field rather than being in the weeds. Am I dribbling in the right direction? Who can I pass the ball to? What’s the strategy?
Maybe it’s time to stop being led, and start leading life.
I’ve been reading Haruki Murakami’s running memoir, and he draws a parallel between his craft and running. It requires talent, focus, and endurance to be good. The latter two are trained just like long distance running. You build them up by consistently showing up everyday, rain or shine. Blink and before you know it, the bar was raised. You’re able to focus and endure more.
Along the way you learn to listen to your body. You should balance your training such that you’re neither overworking and injured, nor under-stimulated.
I love that mental model as it resonates with me deeply. I’ve grown to love showing up for my runs every day, and through the countless hours I began realizing how strong I’ve become. Perhaps I should do just that. Fall in love and show up.
What else did I expect?