Bookclub - How to know a person

If I can go back in time and recommend my younger self a book, “How to know a person” by David Brooks is top of the list. Most of my life, I grow up inside my head, on the sidelines, and I felt most alive in the solitary business of studying, reading, and in my computer. I assume this is even more relevant for our new gen Zs.

The book argues that living in a detached way is a withdrawal from life. Social skills aren’t just pragmatically beneficial, but it makes one wise, kind, compassionate, and a better person.

In my personal life, I’m actively working towards making lots of new connections and practicing my social skills. To support, recognize, and illuminate others without expectation.

Here’s my summary of some points I liked from the book. It’s not a difficult book to get through, great narration, and highly recommend giving it a read ⭐️.

Why understand others

To be wise: know life + open-heart + social skills.

Ultimate gift: make someone feel valued, heard, understood, seen deeply.

Worst sin: isn’t hate, but indifference. ‘You don’t matter / don’t exist’.

Pragmatically: Unless you’re an AI, whether you’re a love partner, reqruiter, teacher, doctor, friend, parent, your role will require you to know another person beyond the surface appearance / resume. You need to look into the subjective parts of their consciousness, like ‘what makes them try hard / stay calm in crisis / generous to colleagues’.

Spiritually: We need others to see/validate our qualities to grow. No one can fully appreciate their strengths unless those are mirrored back to them in the mind of another. If you see great potential in me, I will probably come to see potential in myself. Being understood in the mind and heart of a loving, allows you to be more resilient. We see ourselves through how others see us.

Morally: Evil happens when people are unseeing. We ignore, dehumanize, mistreat others because we lack a correct understanding of others. Morality is about being considerate for others.

In the model we use, morality is a social practice, not a solitary act. The essence of moral act isn’t self-mastery, but to step outside of self-serving ways of perceiving and being present with others.

Being considerate begins with small acts like welcoming a newcomer and making them feel included, detecting someone’s anxiety and asking them what’s wrong. Paying attention is the purest form of love (<3 for my therapist)

Being wise: Wise people don’t tell us what to do — they walk alongside us. They witness our story as one point in a larger journey, helping us hold ambiguity while gently guiding, expanding, and reframing our thoughts. They problem-solve with us, luring along until an obvious solution emerges into view.

They balance deference and defiance, offering empathy while challenging our self-deceptions with the clarity of an outside perspective. They listen for what isn’t said, recognize potential, and, like an editor, help you name out what felt vaguely off.

Wisdom is a social skill, practiced in relationship. It emerges in ‘community of truth’ - when thought is shared, the same circuit runs across multiple brains, and we begin to think as one organism, anticipating each other, finishing each other’s sentences. It’s created when people see and explore together through each other’s perspectives.

Diminishers vs illuminators

Diminishers make another feel small and unseen. They stereotype and use others.

Illuminators are curious, caring, and make others feel bigger, deeper, and respected. They understand you, helps you name and see things in yourself, keeps you honest, sharpest and better version of yourself.

They aren’t just techniques, but a way of life.

Things we need less of:

Ego: self-centered. Not curious enough to step out of their own point of view.
Anxiety: having too much noise in their head, they can’t hear others.
Naive realism: assume that you have the objective view, unaware that others may have different and equally valid perspective.
Lesser-minds: people perceive themselves more complex, interesting, subtle, motivated than others because they can access to all their thoughts but not other’s.
Objectivism: data excludes the most important part, their unique unmeasurable subjectivity. Like imagination, desires, creativity, attachments, sentiments.
Essentialism: exaggerates in-group similarities and out-group differences.
Static mindset: not aware that people can grow profoundly and models get outdated.

Things we need more of:

Posture/gaze: What tone do you show up in the world?
- Quality of attention you project out affects quality of life: If you look for beauty, you’ll likely find one; and if you look for threats you’ll find danger.
- A trick to project a positive lens on everyone is to believe that deep inside every person has an equally unique precious ‘soul’.
- Gaze them with a message: ‘I trust and want to get to know you’. Suspend judgement and let them be as they are; an unsolvable mystery.
Accompaniment: accompany someone through their life.
- (small talks, mundane tasks) allows people to find comfort/safety as they familiarize with each other’s energy/manners.
- Patience / negative effort: Trust takes time. The best things come through waiting, not chasing. Like gently approaching a deer, don’t assert force / self-will - just linger, sit with them, and let things unfold naturally.
- Playfulness: we connect quickly through play. Play isn’t an activity, but a state of mind. When we’re not outcome focused, we relax, become ourselves, act spontaneously, and laugh by simple act of recognition. Whether in sports, science, tech, or time with a child, play effortlessly build bonds without need for deep conversation.
- Other-centeredness: Be the support. Surrender control by honoring their ability to make choices. Meet where they are and help them chart their own path and evolve voluntarily. “I’ll be there when you need me”. Leading is often assisting others as they become masters of their own task. The best writers doesn’t assert thoughts, but provide context within which others can think.
- Presence: Show up. Lending presence is enough to help someone go through tough times. Be their witness. When you acompany someone, you’re attentive, sensitive, unhurried. With no expectations, you’re just there for the ride.

What’s a person’s subjective layer

An experience isn’t the event, but how it’s being perceived. Everyone constructs their own reality through a mix of memories, beliefs, desires, fears, etc. Along with that, forms our identity and beliefs. For example: Why are holidays important to you? Why is it hard for you to ask for help? These questions reveal stories shaping how we see the world.

Seeing isn’t passive but constructed. Objectively, the world is just waves and particles - silent and colorless. Everything we access is in our mind, not out there in the universe. We aren’t just observers, but an active creator. Like a ML model constantly predicting and correcting. Our worldview forms gradually; but occasionally shifts instantly in the wake of transformative events like becoming a parent or losing someone.

When we step into someone else’s perspective, we deepen our own. The more clearly we see, the more tenderly we love. Life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself, through how you choose to see.

What’s a good conversation

More than an exchange of insights or jokes, a good conversation is a joint exploration toward understanding. One person offers a half-formed thought, another shapes it, adds perspective, pass it back, repeat. Good conversation sparks new thoughts and often ends somewhere unexpected.

Tips:

Treat attention like a switch - it’s either on or off. Give them your 100%.
A loud listener - expressive and inviting.
Favor familiarity. People love talking about what they know.
Invite the inner author. Help them be an author not just a witness. Ask and draw out details: “How did it feel? What’re your thoughts?”. Help them conclude “What did you learn? How did you change since?”
Don’t fear pauses. Listen to learn, pause to reflect, then respond.
Loop. Repeat to clarify your interpretation / prevent tangents.
When assisting others, you aren’t there to lead with insights, but to build on the insight of the other person and keep them honest. (ie. like a midwife, they assist others to give birth)
In conflict, center your arguments around something you both agree on.
In conflict, find out why we disagree (ie. our belief, philosophy). This turns disagreement into a mutual exploration of each other.

Asking questions:

Asking simple, broad questions reveals humility and helps to pull in the big picture. Ask like a child, be curious, bold, intimate, and sincere; not afraid to not know.

Getting to know someone isn’t about analyzing / extracting; just ask and listen. Good questions surrenders control and impose no limit on the type of answer, how deep someone can go, letting them steer the conversation. Prompts like “How did you..? What’s it like..? Tell me about.. In what ways..” opens up space.

With strangers, you can lead with a hypothesis to draw an exploration - perhaps you share something in common but have experienced it differently. “I wonder if your experience was like mine..? Where’d you grow up? how’d your parents choose your name?”

With people you know well, ask bigger questions that zoom out of the routine and invite reflection.

What’s the best way to grow old?
What kind of transition are you in right now?
What would you do if you weren’t afraid?
If you die tonight, what would you regret not doing?
If we met a year from now, what would we be celebrating?
If the next 5 years were a chapter, what would it be about?
How have you contributed to the problem you want to solve?
Why is that a problem for you?
What’s working really well in your life?
What’re you most confident about?
Which of your senses feels strongest?
What has become clearer to you as you’ve aged?

People are longing to be asked.

When we feel unseen -> our identity falls apart -> bitterness / hatred. Being unrecognized is injustice, and that pain if unresolved will transmit into hostility.
Every society prioritize a set of criteria that deems worthy of recognition. Today, those are wealth, beauty, prestige. The rest feels unrecognized/left out. Power and recognition appeal most to those who are lonely (lots of us).
We shift from ‘politics of distribution’ to ‘politics of recognition’, where people are divided and fueled by resentment in a struggle to have their identities affirmed.
Social breakdown -> distrust. High-trust society get together quickly; while low-trust society exagerrate threats and fall for conspiracies that explain the danger felt.
Schools don’t teach the skills to understand the person next to you. Social media gives an illusion of social contact without building the trust, care, understanding. Educators should focus on building character and collaboration.

In the real world, we don’t just see others as unique individuals. There is layers of group identity, power dynamics, ideology, faith, race, legacies of economic and social domination, etc. Different circumstances raise vastly different realities. This makes hard conversations, one that starts with suspicion and resentment. Being yourself is simple for the dominant majority, but for the marginalized your true self is often different from how you’re perceived.

Our perceptions are also shaped by what our capacities can afford. A police with a gun is more likely to perceive danger, because he can afford to take action. A wealthy person sees a store or neighborhood differently. An fit person sees an obstacle differently than someone with limited mobility. Capcity shapes viewpoint.

Be aware of dynamic imbalances, and do what you can to let them know they can be themselves.
Be aware that others can frame the situation differently. Avoid tempation to yank it to the frame you’re comfortable with, and explore their frame.
We’ll never know what it’s like to be them, so listen and enter their lens through hard conversations. Turn distrust into trust and mutual respect.

Childhood trauma

Examples:

Avoidance: self-sufficient, fear intimacy, never showing vulnerability
Deprivation: neglected, feel worthless and self-blame
Overreactivity: feel threatened, negativity, take critics as an attack.
Passive aggression: suppressed emotions, fear conflict, unable to deal with negative emotions. Express anger indirectly by manipulation to extract guilt / affection.

The models that used to work become outdated and limits you as adults. Unfortunately, you can’t fix it yourself out of that outdated reality. You need an outsider that empathize, co-regulate, and help you live and reconstruct a different reality.

Personalities

Different personalities all have advantage and disadvantages. To prevent extremes, gently push towards the positive opposite. Call attention on behavior you want, not the behavior you want them to stop (encourage the timid to try new experience, teach extroverted kid to slow down and have a quiet time).

Everyone is a work in progress

Life tasks are stages that needs to be satisfied to move to the next. Transitioning will involve redefining idenity and unlearning mindset that no longer work. Common stages:

Imperial task: Seeks competence, glory, and praise, to feel valuable and avoid inferiority. Sees the world as competition and can’t collaborate.
Interpersonal task: Seeks intimacy, to establish social identity and avoid isolation. Unlike imperial, you’ve learned to empathize. Obsess on fitting in and social status, idealistic, conflict averse, pleaser, and supresses the self.
Career consolidation task: seeks devotion to make a difference, through job, parenting, side-projects. Desire for mastery, individualistic, selfish against any distractions, seal up from deep relationship.
Generative task: seeks to be of service to the world, foster next generation.
Integrity: Seeks acceptance when coming in terms with death, to avoid regret.

Empathy

Empathy is a set of skills like:

Mirroring: accurately catch someone’s emotion and re-enacting it in one’s own body - attunes his breathing, tone, posture, gesture, vocabs. Facial muscles, eyes, and posture express a rich emotional granularity.
Caring: Attend to them. Note: your needs may be differ from theirs in that situation.
High empaths are sensitive to subtle emotional inputs. They see people whose upset, left out, need direct feedback vs coaching, need kindness vs sterness, thoughtful.

Practices to develop empathy:

Contact theory: Bring people together to collaborate on a shared goal/focus.
Draw it with eyes closed: observe every detail. Small gestures offer glimpse of a character’s personality and story. Join drama class.
Reading biographies / character-driven novels, that lets you live through character.
Emotion spotting: label your mood w mood meter.
Suffering: knowledge can be gathered, but wisdom must be lived and earned through the hard chapters. Empaths don’t become hardened or defensive. They chose to be vulnerable and use it to care for others more deeply.

Life stories

Crafting an accurate and coherent life story is important to form a stable identity. Your life story fosters direction and resillience. Life is a constant struggle to refine/update our stories, reinterpreting the past. Therapist are story editors that help reframe stories that no longer make sense or create new stories where they see themselves exercising control.

90% of writing is actually reading and revision. Similarly, sharing your experience lets you revise, zoom out, and explore multiple perspectives. As you listen to people’s life stories, you’re actually helping them re-create their stories, giving them opportunity to step back and organize events, see themselves differently, re-affirm their identities.

Ask questions that prompts stories / narrative conversations:

what do you think about x?
How did you come to believe x?
Who influence your values?
When did you know you wanted to spend your life this way?
What’s your intention/goals growing up and right now?
How do you hope to spend the years ahead?

Ancestry and Culture

How does your ancestors show up in your life? In what ways do you embrace, reject, or contribute to your culture?

The past gives strength for the future. Our consciousness is shaped by the choices of those who came before us.